Still doing the Perth thing.

Here we are, still in Perth, and doing our best to pretend we are west coast natives.

The latest news is that Ms Kristy Ann Baeffel has broken 3 fingers on 2 hands! Football injury of course! Going for the mark that she didn’t get, she busted up her hand! Kristy ran off the field, where the nurse promptly re-located the ‘dislocated’ finger- not realising that it was actually broken. Ummmm.... OUCH!!!!!! We had Gen and Trent coming for dinner that night, and at this stage we thought only one finger was broken, so we didn’t go to the hospital (actually, we didn’t want to miss our feast with Gen and Trent), anyway, Kristy sucked up the pain and enjoyed telling the story of her dislocation. The next day, I took 4 hours off work and took Kristy to the hospital, where we were told she had broken the three fingers. At this point we were like “ohhhhhhhh” and “Ahhhhhhhh” and “shiiiiiitttttttt”. It wasn’t until Kristy tried to go to work, where they quickly called her a “liability” and told her not to come in until full doctor clearance. Full doctor clearance is in 4 weeks, so that is 4 weeks off work, with NO sick pay! That is FOUR weeks of NO pay! Then we were saying “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” and “ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGG” and we moved up from “Shiiiiiittttttt” to the F Bomb! (I even think Kristy said the C word!!!!!!!).

So for the past week, Kristy has been the housewife, while I go to work and earn the money to keep her in the lifestyle to which she is rapidly becoming accustomed. Note – she LOATHES doing the housework, and she is actually not that good at it (sorry babe, but you know it is true). Having said that Kristy is not that good at housework, I need to also let you know that I am a wee bit too anal about it. You can imagine that this NEVER causes us to argue, because I NEVER get grumpy that she is slack in doing the housework, and she NEVER gets grumpy at me because I’m too picky! Both of us know that Kristy is way more suited to being the husband than the wife. However, while she dislikes the whole housework side of things, she sure does seem enthusiastic about sleeping in until midday! And she doesn’t mind watching all those DVDs in the middle of the day, or chatting on the phone for hours, or going for a jog, or eating lamingtons from the pantry whenever she feels the urge. Hmmmpfff, broken fingers a liability? Can someone snap a few of my digits please.

Kristy, the weekend before she busted her phalanges, arranged a pamper night for me. Is she not the BESTEST gf in the world??!! She got a really good discount through a group called Scoupons – it consisted of a body scrub, a hot stone massage and a body wrap, all for the unbelievable price of $70! I was so very impressed with this deal! So on the Saturday night, Kristy drove me to the address. I was excited! I really did need the pampering!

The place was just a little unit in the middle of suburbia, which I found odd, because I really thought, given what was on offer, that I would be at a Day Spa. However, I was not to be put off, especially given that I operate my massage business from a home studio. I step in the door and this woman has converted her lounge, kitchen and bathroom to a treatment area. Please note that I am using the words “converted” and “treatment” loosely. Let me describe the therapist (another word I am using loosely). She was a size 6, she wore socks with thongs, she had on a white (dirty) see through top and a black bra. She did not look very professional at all. In addition, she told me that she had x-ray vision, she was psychic and she proudly stated that everything she had learned about massage and beauty treatments, she had learned from the internet. Although she was a really nice person, I did have some doubts regarding her qualifications, experience and credibility. But she was nice. And it was cheap. So I stayed (Kristy had already driven away, what else could I do??).

I started off the pampering package with the body wrap. The therapist was cooking the bandages on her stove and she brought them into the bathroom. I stood naked (except for my knickers) in her shower recess. I noticed that the toilet seat was up, that someone had peed, and that she hadn’t flushed the toilet! Yes, it is always professional – that sweet smell of urine! The woman then started wrapping me in the hot bandages, from my knees to my boobs. I swear that she touched my vagina and nipples so many times when she was wrapping the bandages that I think we need to get married! Anyway, (while I wipe that memory from my mind), the bandages were interesting, and when I asked what she had soaked them in, she said cayenne pepper was a main ingredient. She said that she had never actually tried this treatment on herself, but she was sure it would be okay. I then went and sat in the lounge, where she proceeded to massage another client, who had arrived the same time as me (yes, we were both in the same room). I sat on her plastic covered lounge chair, and started to text some friends, telling them of my ordeal. I also texted Kristy, telling her not to be late in picking me up, because it was all a little strange, and I was slightly fearful of what was yet to happen. The bandages proceeded to cool down quickly, and cold, soggy bandages don’t feel good! Ironically, the cayenne pepper meant that, while my skin felt soggy and cold, it also felt like it was burning off! At one stage I had to stand up and pace because the pain was so bad. I told her that maybe it was time for the bandages to come off, but she said, “No, leave it for another 5 minutes.” Bloody hell!

Eventually the bandages from hell were removed, and I thought, “Well, at least she can’t stuff up the hot stone massage” (wishful thinking). I have given a number of hot stone massages (when working at Ayers Rock Resort) so I know that they are BEAUTIFUL! Anyway, this lady had a different way of giving me a hot stone massage. She did not actually hold the stones in her hand and massage me. Basically, she laid me face up on a massage table, took a lot of hot stones out of a fry pan and piled them all on my stomach in a heap. I breathed too deeply at one stage and a couple of stones smashed to the ground. Yes, very relaxing – the sound of shattering stones should be made into a CD to help promote sleep (please tell me you recognised the sarcasm).

After she had body wrapped the other client (and I felt her pain!), she then came back to me and body scrubbed me – with her own special formula, and then, when I was least expecting it, she slapped a face mask on me. Now, for those who know me well, you know I would not have liked this! I am VERY careful about what I put on my face, and I spend a lot of money on the right products. So suddenly, I have this mask on my face, and I ask her, “What is the mask made of and what does it do?” She tells me it is made of coffee and sugar (coffee! I don’t even drink it, let alone put it on my skin!) and she tells me it is not only a mask, but it is also a cleanser, a scrub, a toner and moisturizer. Interesting that the coffee can do all that (just to be clear – yes it was Nescafe). I don’t think she liked me asking questions, because she then put a cold, wet face washer over my face, while she continued to scrub me. I felt like I was suffocating! Every time I breathed in, the face washer sucked into my nostrils!

Eventually she wiped the mask off, and wiped off the body scrub, and the massage began. The other client had left by the this stage (on the inside I was screaming, “Noooo, don’t leave me!”). I knew time was marching on, and the Kristy would be here soon to get me (Hurry up KB!), however for some mad, crazy reason, Kristy arrived and sat outside in the car waiting for me.... even though I had text earlier (when I was body wrapped in Cayenne Pepper) and told her to come in when she arrived. Kristy tells me she was outside texting with Rahni and Alisa! Rahni told her to commando roll to the door and kick it in. What did Kristy eventually do? After half an hour of sitting in the car, she quietly and tentatively knocks on the door. Where was the knight in shining armour?? Anyway, I didn’t care, because once she arrived, I was able to be released. I got dressed, flushed the toilet (it should have been done 2 hours before!) and got the hell outa there! Kristy had cooked for me a yummy roast chicken after my ‘pampering’ but unfortunately, she had accidently left the oven on, so by the time we got home and got it all out of the oven, we ate black roast potatoes and a VERY crispy chicken (and did you know that carrots can shrink to a quarter of their size if they are over-roasted!).

While I did not get the pampering night that Kristy had hoped I would get, i got something better – a night I will never, ever forget and will continue to laugh about for many years to come. But hell no, I’m not going back! It would not be funny a second time!!!! And just a warning to you all – beware of Scoupons, and of people who wear socks and thongs together.

It has been very wild and woolly here in Perth. Lots of trees and bits of trees have blown down. We have two main trees near our balcony. Their names are Josephine and Milo (Milo is the skinnier tree). I hope they remain in tact tonight. I’m worried about Milo!

On a really sad note, Kristy’s pet dog, Zoey, passed away. Little Puggie Pug! I feel so sad for Kristy, Anita and Mark. Zoey was very much loved and so very, very cute. She will be missed. Thank you Sarah for sending the photo, it is up on our bookcase and Kristy looks at it every day.

Kristy misses her pets, and though it is not the same, we still have our half pet Snowy the cat (remember – she is not even snow like) and Snowy comes in and out like she owns our place. She is even getting fussy about what she eats! And we have another pet called Sampson! Sampson is very spoilt and even gets to sleep in our room, but he is quiet, so it is okay. I did not think Kristy would be able to handle Sampson being so close, but surprisingly she seems okay with him. Sampson is the Daddy-Long-Legs who lives in the corner near the ceiling.

Oh, funny thing happened at work the other day. Hannah is our receptionist, and she really helps me out with odd jobs, like photocopying and stuff. I always try to give her little treats when I can. Anyway, there were some left over muffins from a catered meeting, so I took one of the muffins and put it on her desk for her. She was talking to someone at reception when I took the muffin down, so I kinda hid it to the side, so the guest wouldn’t see it. I went back upstairs and emailed Hannah, and said “The muffin is for you.” This all makes perfect sense – yes? Well, yes it does IF SHE HAD SEEN THE MUFFIN! Imagine getting a random email from me saying “The muffin is for you”. You could make that have so many meanings!!!! So Hannah hadn’t seen the muffin, and she gets the email from me, and she doesn’t know what it means or what she should do! Later I go downstairs, see she hasn’t eaten the muffin, and I say to her, “Are you saving it?” She looks at me with a combination of confusion and suspicion (looking back, I do not blame her!). She understand nothing because all she has heard from me is “The muffin is for you” and “Are you saving it?” At this point, luckily, I point to the muffin, and then her face clears, and it all makes sense to her! Next time the muffin will be put in full view, even if there is a guest. Isn’t that a funny little muffin story!

One more funny story... about Kristy of course. You know how she gets sayings and mottos mixed up, well the other day she was talking to a work colleague. They said to her that she had a very grounded personality, and Kristy said, “Yes, and I am also very fun and loving.” They said, “Oh you mean fun loving?” and Kristy (because she honestly didn’t know that the wording actually is “fun loving”) said, “Oh no, I am fun AND LOVING!” Hmmmm, if someone said to me that they were fun AND LOVING, I would think that they were about to ask me out on a date!

We have visitors coming! We love it when people come to see us! Soon Darren will be here, and then Suzie and Theo. And Andy is coming to live up here – in the same suburb as us!!! YAY!!

I need to stop writing now. To summarize the rest of it – we continue to live happily (mostly) in our own Seinfeld episode, my back is very sore, my work is busy, Kristy is bored, we have 100 km winds, Kristy has lost 9 kilos (damn her! I am still the fatty!), I listened to Counting Crows the other day and still luv them, we are coming to Melbourne next week, Mel and Elle are well, Logan has moved to Melbourne, I was glad to speak to Deb Lewis – hugs, it’s almost my birthday, we are looking forward to seeing Kristy’s Nan, Mick and Sarah now have a talking bird (Darla) and Kristy and I are planning the next leg of our adventure (not sure when, but we know where – Broome then Darwin!!). Big hugs to Mandy and Sue - thinking of you gorgeous women. Xx

I will sign off with Kristy’s word of the month – TOUCHE! (I’m not kidding, this really is her favourite word at the moment!).